Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Darling... It's not you... It's me.

Every so often, I seem to fall out of step with WoW.  It goes, seemingly overnight, from something that I can't get enough of, to something that I feel at best, ambivalent about.  I've been through this cycle enough over the course of 5 or so years to have finally reached the conclusion that forms the title of this post:  it's not the game that's out of sync, it's me.  So I've unsubbed (well, when I say 'unsubbed' I mean I've removed my auto-renew thingy, I've a few weeks of game-time left if I choose to use it) and I'm ok with that.  I'm not rage-quitting because of anything Blizzard have, or haven't, done.  I'm not quitting to play Rift (though I am playing it a fair bit at the moment.)  See,  I've stopped playing before and that time I wasn't playing anything other than RL.

And, in fairness, RL has a lot to do with it this time.  I'm under 5 weeks away from getting married (zomfg!) and wedding prep is taking up a fair proportion of my time.  I'm also trying to empty and paint my old house (which is 200 miles away) and get it on the market so Himself and myself can buy a house together.  On top of that, I'm halfway through my first Uni module and am hoping to try and do 2 in the autumn (Open University, wonderful institution though it is, can mean that an undergraduate degree can take up to 7 years to complete if one doesn't shift one's arse and double up modules sometimes) and it's nearly summer.  In fact, it's been very summer-like for the last month or so in my part of the world. And sometimes it's healthy to walk away from things and allow them to just be... whatever they actually are.  Forgive me for a brief tangent...

A few weeks ago, I took Himself back to my childhood home in Cornwall, as part of that 'I want you to know all of me' thing that involves sharing your past with your beloved.  Cornwall was my home from 10 - 17, so not that long; I've lived away from there longer than I lived there.  But for years and years, especially when I was unhappily living in outer London, Cornwall was 'home'.  I used to go back regularly, but eventually my parents sold the house and moved.  But it was still 'home' in my head and heart, because it was my sanctuary.  Even after leaving London and moving to Somerset, and being very happy in my little house, Cornwall still resonated 'home' to me.  I hadn't been back for a few years, mainly because I used to get very churned up and conflicted about it.  I was happy to be there but hated leaving.  So I'd warned Himself that we might drive a long way... only to turn round and drive back (emotions being a bit heightened anyway due to wedding and house clearing).  As it turned out, I went back to the village I grew up in, walked Himself along the moors that I walked and rode on as a teenager and took him to the beach we often went to.  And it was lovely.  No conflict, no feeling twisted and tangled up.  Which was odd.  Nice, but very odd.  It wasn't until I got back home, to the flat I share with Himself, that I worked out why it hadn't bothered me this time.  I didn't need Cornwall to be 'home' anymore.  I have somewhere that is home.  Our flat.  So I was free to enjoy Cornwall, without needing it to be anything.

I think I get on best when I feel like this about WoW.  If I need it to be something, whether that 'thing' takes the form of distractions, or socialising, or whatever, I probably won't enjoy it.  I've been working hard to make it feel like a distraction recently ('I'll just play another level then I'll do wedding stuff/study/the ironing etc etc') and haven't felt like I was enjoying my play-time.  I'm enjoying my mage but I'm happy to take a break.  What I want the most from WoW is something I probably won't get back.  I want to be able to play Pilf, and really 'feel' like her again.  But I suspect, as my life has changed, so has she.  I have logged onto her a few times recently and she's just pixels.  As daft as that sounds, I don't want her that way.  I want her the way she used to be, neuroses, insecurities and all.  And I don't know how to remedy that.

I'll still be blogging here, by the way.  I've a fair few days left in Saga's Challenge and I'll probably twitter and witter about stuff as usual.  Just not as often.  I'm trying (without success, I might add) to persuade Himself that we should have a joint blog; that way we'd actually get a decent posting schedule sorted, but so far nothing concrete has been agreed. If you're pining for me and don't mind RL and Rift posts (and feel like bunging up your Reader with utterly insignificant ramblings) then you can always find me here as well.

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