Saturday, 23 April 2011

Imp Unionisation...?

Warlock Minion Heads of Department Monthly Meeting
Friday 22 April 2011

Flaaghuun  - Felguard 
Khaanom - Felhunter (Minutes)
Dartai - Succubus (Chair)
Thultaz - Voidwalker
Belnip - Imp

None.  Standard dispensation from attending given to representatives from the Inferno and Doomguard Departments. 

[Please note:  what follows is a verbatim transcript of the meeting and is NOT for general circulation - official Minutes will follow.]

[Belnip] I don't see why yet AGAIN Dartai is chairing, leaving someone else with the slog of the Minutes...

[Dartai] Because, as I have explained time and time again, I cannot be expected to write and type with these *extends hands and wiggles fingers*.  My client has standards and expects a certain... style when he summons me.  Immaculate nails are all part of my uniform. Anyway, it's not even your turn this time.  However, when it is...surely you have enough free time, as one of the lesser summoned amongst us...?    

[Belnip]  I object!  All the imps in the Department work incredibly hard.   We have no choice!  We're the first one they can summon!  Some of them faff about, yanking us in and out of the Nether until they find one whose name suits them! Imagine that!  None of the rest of you have to suffer that indignity!  And who has to teach them the basics about having a minion? Not you Dartai! And I would refer you to The Manual: page 324, sub-section 16, clause 42, which clearly states...

[Dartai] If you are about to say "This is not in my contract" Belnip, so help me, I will make you regret it!  Anyway your use is so... transitory.  Especially now Flaaghuun and his crew are on the scene so much earlier.  Isn't that right Flaaghuun, sweetie? [Dartai extends her hand and strokes Flaaghunn's knee gently.]

[Flaaghunn] Dartai makes a valid point.  Now a speciality allows the clients to summon members of my team when they are so inexperienced our workload has increased dramatically...

[Dartai] Which brings us neatly to Agenda Item One. Workload Distribution.  Any immediate thoughts...?

[Belnip] *mutters about 'inappropriate liaisons' under his breath*

[Dartai] Anything... constructive?

[Flaaghuun] As I was saying: things have changed. All of a sudden, felguards are the preferred minion of choice from an early stage, which requires me to focus a great deal of my management time and effort on recruitment and retention.  Demand is heavily outstripping supply.  In my honest opinion, our clients are being allowed to wield far too much power before they are able to effectively manage it.  My lads are really under the cosh at the moment.  Stress related absence is rising, which puts even more pressure onto an already over-worked team.  If anyone has any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them.

[Thultaz]  I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum.  My team are really fed-up and under-motivated.  I know it's not your fault, Flaaghuun old chap, but these changes have had a massive impact on voidwalker morale.  I know my boys used to whine a bit about being over-worked, but they don't know what to do with themselves now.  I've gotta tell you... I'm worried about them.  With nothing to do, they're just sitting around, talking about the old days.  They're even wanting to change their speeches when they are summoned!  They want to be given temporary respite from asking to be 'sent back' until the situation has stabilised a little.

[Belnip]  This is exactly what I was worried about!  As soon as minions become under (or over) worked, all hell breaks loose!  We'll have a strike on our hands soon enough, and then what do you think will happen?

[Flaaghuun] Oh well now.  I don't think it's that bad yet, Belnip.  That sounds a bit doom-mongering, and as our friends from that Department aren't here... That was a joke.  A pun?  Doom-mongering... doomguards...?  No?  Oh well. I did try.

[Thultaz]  I agree with Flaaghuun.  Not that much would change for my boys if there was a strike... but you're being hasty Belnip, surely?

[Belnip] Ohhhhh sure, send in the little guy. I'll say all the unpopular stuff, so you guys can keep your 'reasonable' image!

[Dartai] It's only about image if you're a succubus, Belnip.  Surely I don't need to remind you of that?  But I'm confident that Flaaghuun and Thultaz know their teams and are on top of any problems. I have every faith in them.  Khaanom, I assume that if you had anything to add you'd have sent me an engraved tablet?

[Khaanom] *nods head*

[Dartai].  Excellent.  Well, that's Item One dealt with.  Shall we move to Item Two - Team Updates, or have we already covered that?  Anyone got anything further to add?

[Belnip] I still think that we need to have a proper discussion about The Manual.  Sometimes I think that I'm the only one who has actually read it!

[Dartai] That would come under Any Other Business, Belnip.  And we aren't there yet, are we?

[Belnip] We never are.  We always seem to over-run and not have enough time for AOB...

[Dartai] Item Three then, Gender Equality.  Now I think this is unavoidable.  Times change, gentlemen and in all honesty we want both the Nether and our workplaces to be as diverse as possible don't we?  I understand that there's a long-standing 'tradition' of gendered roles for minions but I think we have to accept that our clients want more options and just accept that we're going to have male and females imps, felguards, voidwalkers and felhounds.

[Belnip] And succubi.

[Dartai]  *glares* They would be incubi. And I think you'll find that feedback from our clients suggest that of all the changes being discussed, this one is the least... popular.

[Belnip]  Feeling threatened?

[Dartai] Any feedback from your teams, guys?

[Flaaghuun] Mixed.  But generally positive.  The usual concerns about uniform and weaponry but I think if and when it happens, the team will be supportive.

[Thultaz] My chaps are concerned that they'll have even less work, but I expect we'll work something out...

[Dartai]  Super!  And we'll reconvene as soon as we have more details.  Right, well if that's everything... My client is due in a battleground in a few minutes so I'd better get ready.  There is nothing worse than being hauled through the Nether when one is halfway through one's preparations... Now where could I have put my whip?

[Belnip]  But what about AOB?????

[Dartai]  Customer needs come first, do they not?  We'll definitely find time for it next month, Belnip. Especially if you say please...

{Meeting closes}


  1. This made me laugh.. Poor Belnik, never can catch a break!

  2. Grammy-the-warlock has done pretty much all of her questing with her faithful Konnie-the-voidwalker keeping the worst if the worst away from her. There are still some faithful to the old ways!