Sunday, 23 May 2010

Attitude is your acceptance of the natural laws.

~ Disclaimer: Yes, I actually am this neurotic. Whilst I try damn hard not to be a drama queen this is my damn blog and if I want to write a post that makes me look like a hysterical drama queen I will. Please try not to judge too much. ~

Every so often I feel the need to do something really, really, really stupid. I could insert random real life examples in here, but y'know... I won't. However yesterdays idiotic decision was brought to you courtesy of bringing my last level 80 character to AD, effectively kissing goodbye to my old 'home' server. (That isn't the idiocy! I love AD as a server, it completely has my heart and I was missing my warlock a lot, so she's kind of back to where she started, as a blood elf, having had a gender charge, a few server changes, a faction change or two and yeah, now she's back to belf-dom.) Her gear is horrible, well, her gear is a mix of quest blues and greens with a crafted robe and gloves combo because basically I've not played her in six months (or, if you prefer, since I hit 80 on her). But she's a destro lock so the rotation is easy (and why no, I'm not a wannabe mage, but thank you for asking!) and I love the fact that the pet of choice is her imp - squee. So off the back of this I made the bad decision (this is what I should wear I guess, just so the world is forewarned) and said to the Other Half and to a friend '"Shall I take her through a heroic? Just to see what happens?"

The Other Half agrees to tank, the friend agrees to throw some druid heals around and and other guildie brings along his shaman, ok so one DPS slot to PuG - how bad can it be? Even though I'm going to die on my ass, I'm going to do it in front of the Other Half (who is used to it), the friend (who is forewarned about the incoming level of fail) and a nice guildie who I'm 99% sure won't judge me (and the PuG-er, but fuck 'em frankly.) I know that gaming has changed since I last ran heroics. I also know that my gear is too bad for me to get into FoS, PoS, HoR etc so I'll be somewhere that I know because aside from those three (and the Trial) I'd run them over and over on Shad. So we zoned in (and yes, ok I was a bit jittery in the LFG queue but I was telling myself to not be daft - how bad could it be?) We zone in to, and thank you for this Lady RNG, Old Kingdom, which has never been high on the list of ones I enjoyed. I effectively stopped running it once the cloth legs skirt had dropped for Shad (yes, I know mp5 for a priest is teh fail but it was better than nothing when I was a newly dinged 80 and starting to gear up) and I didn't miss it. But meh, I (kinda) know the fights, I remember that there's trash everywhere (and not just trash, but trash that skitters *shudder*) and the last boss who I call Harold, having once misread it and never managed to reboot my brain enough to call him ummm Herald. I can do this.

Turns out that actually I can't. Turns out, and whodathunkit, that heroics now are run slightly differently to heroics about six months ago (prior to LFG in other words). And yes, I read enough blogs to know that 'gogogogo' is how it works, that everything gets AoE'd to hell, that mana breaks are frowned on etc etc. But ye gods I had no idea it would be this unpleasant. And this was with the Other Half as the tank, the druid friend as the healer and a guildie. The Other Half and the friend were listening to me whimper (it's an attractive sound, really it is) but couldn't do a great deal. I'm not convinced the guildie actually knew who I was, probably a blessing (having just faction and server transferred I was guildless) but probably was probably confused as hell and sighing inside at the omg-fail lolwock and the PuG'd DPS... the PuG'd DPS warrior's only comment was "speed up" after the first boss and the 'if the tank doesn't pull at the speed which I consider correct, I will pull' attitude. Insert intake of breath from me and the jitters ramped up to an entirely new level. The Other Half carried on; he's used to shit like that, having spend 12 hours (YES 12 hours) one day in the Sanity Tap (VOLUNTARILY!) and having been blessed with a thick skin, not the fragile, delicate layer of transparent cells which mine is formed from. The friend, who is blessed with the gift of snark, said "Please feel free to leave [pugger], if we aren't up to your level of awesomeness" which led to an "omg I'm just saying" comment (after some serious delay - I assume that PuG bitchfests don't usually take the form of correctly spelt entire sentences) and finally made reference to the fact that he was addressing the remark at the Other half "I was talking to the tank" and the Other Half's response? "I have a name." I'm almost hysterical (not in a good way) at this point and I just want the whole thing to be over as quickly as possible. And whatdayaknow, it was. Optional bosses? Bah - what are they? Clear all the trash? Don't be daft! Near death on my friend Harold? Yep. Now I know why my old GM nearly rage kicked me from the guild - it's stupid hard to kill healers during Incite Insanity and killing trees is just... gah *glares*. And we were done.

I know on the grand scale of PuG-fails and bitch-fests that I've read about it was nothing. My DPS was noticeably below that of the Other Half, which is massively against rule number 1 for DPS in heroics. Recount is NOT my friend. Recount is something I should have never reinstalled. Recount hates me and wants me dead (preferably by my own hand, handy then that I have spell of emo, huh) and I should not be allowed any where near it. But it wasn't just that. This is my take on how it made me feel, and I completely accept that people run heroics to gear up, to get raid ready and not because they are masochists (well, I dunno... maybe they are but who am I to judge?) and my take on it was: No thank you. I do not wish to whore myself out like this for epics badges. Nuh-uh. I don't know what that was, but it wasn't gaming. And this was with 3 people who I knew!! So I had a toys-out-of-the-pram moment, it has to be said. Because it's crap isn't? The realisation and acceptance that basically I'm too delicate, too easily wound up, yes... ok too highly-strung, to be able to handle the pressure of 'end game' stuff. Call it what you want, whether that be the (honest) 'can't hack the pressure' or the (charitable) 'you're a perfectionist and you expect too much from yourself' phrasing it all means the same thing. Stop trying to do something that makes you miserable. So thank god for RP and alts, sez I. because I'm moving towards acceptance (it's a cycle, dontcha know, rage, denial, grief (maybe something else) then acceptance) of this. I'm not 'made' to be an endgame player. This is patently obvious. I do care too much. I probably do set myself standards that I fail to achieve. I do over-think and over-analyse stuff. And maybe once your 'nerve', your 'mojo' (urgh, Austin Powers moment at 7am - euch) has gone, maybe it doesn't come back. Or maybe it does, maybe you just have to push yourself through the shit in the short-term to regain it in the long-term, it's quite possible, but I don't want to. I hate this expression with a passion, but in this specific set of circumstances it fits. It's only a game. And there's plenty of other stuff I can be doing. Flower picking is always good. Fishing dailies are fun. Levelling the ever increasing multitude of alts will keep me out of mischief for, ummm a long time *grins*. Acceptance, my old friend, c'mere and give me a big hug...


  1. oh dear *hugs* (I should macro that :P)

    Sounds awful!

    I can get very wound up and stressed out in PUGs too, but I think my *attitude* takes over..

    "do you _know_ what stats a hunter needs? or are you just rolling on everything?
    because you are heading for an instance kick for ninjaing"

    "run to the tank when you have agro.. dps 101"

    "he was silenced you bloody idiot"

    I think I came through the stress wall and am actually enjoying being a bitch to *gogogo*ers and *pull more*s and *isn't the tank crap*pers these days :)

  2. *giggles* a macro'd *hug* - sounds like a plan!

    And good on you for pushing thru it... you're got bigger cojones than I have hun! And probably the right attitude too. I just *can't* get there *sad panda face*

  3. Perhaps it's just a matter of finding your niche? I've tried all three roles in dungeons, and the one I click with most is healing. I can tank, but I find it far too stressful in the same way that you were finding it in Old Kingdom. I don't panic as much as dps, but I know it isn't my strength either. I have no idea if you've tried other things, or if it would make a difference. Either way, hooray for RP and alts!

  4. Argh, stress-city! Perhaps a bit of questing to re-acquaint yourself with the old toolbox of a warlock? I know myself that I need a good three days on old characters before I'm PUG-worthy, but I'm a slow learner.

  5. @ LoveandWar - *giggles* I wish - my 'main' is a healer - can you imagine the sort of meltdown I'd have PuGing with her!! I've never tanked. It's never held any form of appeal for me whatsoever. Hence dps lulz... Bah - it's fine, it's more about my attitude than the class/role I think. Or more likely it's about me being a hysterical mess...! RP and alts are much more my cup of tea at present :)

    @ DA - <3 Lolwock rotation = 4 buttons (maybe 5!) *cheer*. It's all cool - I kinda wrote this to blow off some steam in a *grrrrrrr* way, now I've written it, it's fine. Anyways - moar alts!! The disco-disco priest needs some love...! :)

  6. Perhaps you need to RP a real ball-buster type and PUG with her... once you are in the swing of that you can have all your other chars channel her :P

  7. Yes, Pilf, I did know who you were!

    It's a tricky issue you've raised, though. There's a thin line between caring enough to want to improve and caring so much that it spoils the fun if you're not performing up to your own standards.

    A couple of RL friends of mine are a good contrast. One is heroically shameless and learnt to tank through heroic PUGs, despite never having done it before. He's now happily raid tanking, but it was a PITA going with him on those training runs where he didn't know the encounters. The other is much closer to the attitude you described. He hates PUGing because he doesn't want to let people down through inexperience, which means he never gets that experience.

    Nowadays, my approach to PUGs is to stay quite in /p if someone fouls up and then bitch about it in guild chat. It keeps me sane :)