Sunday, 28 March 2010

On having two personas.

The more I play Pilf, RP with her, and write 'as' her, the more confuddled I get. I bitch and whine about the fact that she spends gold on outfits, finds fishing and cooking demeaning, and I generally portray her as a vapid and vain woman. I make her shallow, snobby and egotistical. Under my control she's happy to drink most concoctions, get tipsy and cuddle orcs. I make her chew gum...

When I 'become' her, put myself into her skin, 'be' her, she is none of these things. She's a definite individual, trying to find both her way in the world and her 'place' in the world. She's trying desperately to gain her independence in a number of ways. She's chasing emotional independence from her fairly shadowy (unwritten about) extended family who she loves but feels smothered by and slightly responsible for. She worries about the high standards and expectations, set by both herself and her family. Both her personal history and the history of her race haunt her.

She is fond of her 'distant cousin' Naofa (I agreed with the Other Half that having them as a couple had potential to cause a host of issues and yet having them as sibling was just...yukky. I try very hard to minimise writing in detail about Naofa as he has his own story which is for him to tell, should he choose to do so) and is grateful that, by association with him, she is able to travel and escape the confines of her kin. She worries a great deal about being bound to a man who is not of her choosing and her concern that her family will press her into a 'suitable' match means she strives for financial independence; she is secreting monies away, earned by an education that she has hidden from her family, to enable her to flee if matrimony rears its ugly head.

She enjoys her solitude but at the same time, she is miserable most of the time she is away from her kin and her City. Most suprisingly (from my point of view), she views any form of relationship with great suspicion and views displays of emotion as weak, almost a character flaw. She seems both scornful and jealous of people who are able to have fun and let their hair down. The concept of losing control seems to terrify her. I don't yet know if she has lost a lover, is suffering youthful unrequited desire or she's just seen what a mess relationships can get you into, especially if you are female... She constantly suprises me. The process of both RPing as her and writing as her is such a dissociative one that I sometimes read over what 'she' has written and wonder where it has come from.

All of which is a long worded way to say I'm trying to decide what to 'do' with her. I adore her. I'm loving the creative writing process so much, and I'm finding that I have imaginative powers that I thought didn't exist within me! But it feels a bit uncomfortable that I give her traits which she doesn't really have. The trouble being, of course, that a repressed, moral young woman would be less enjoyable for me to 'play' than the style-over-substance elf that I like.


  1. I too am loving the creative writing. I loved it back in high school and to combine it with Warcraft is fantastic. I'm even thinking of making it a regular thing on /2 :D

  2. I agree completely. I'm trying to work out where to go next - and what I'll find out... And having read /2 please write moar :)